You know you’re really very pregnant when …

  • You start feeling really insecure when you leave your antacids at home.
  • You get told by shop-keepers that you’re not allowed to sneeze in their shop.
  • Upon your response that you’ve still got at least 7 weeks to go before being in danger of your water breaking all over their shop floor, those same shop-keepers look at you like you’re insane/deluded/in denial.
  • Instead of interesting fiction, you’ve got a pile of baby-and-childcare books stacked next to your bed, and your Kindle is full of titles that start with ‘What to Expect’.
  • Instead of using that secret little pocket in your handbag for tampons, you use it for Panados and nipple cream.
  • You start needing to use nipple cream.
  • You conduct extended, expensive, doomed-to-fail research to find an alcohol-free beer that does not taste worse than Taiwan Beer (insert the name of any beer you’ve ever had that is shit).
  • You start to feel genuine affection for, and a real bond with, your bottle of Bio-Oil.
  • You upgrade to feeding bras because you don’t want to waste money on new ones that you won’t be able to use after the baby’s born.
  • You’re suddenly a C-verging-on-D cup, having been a small B since you were 16.
  • You sometimes wake up and cry for an hour or two before going to work for no reason you can discern, other than that your life is hard and your body is sore and no one understands you.
  • You can’t bend down – like, at all. Not even to stack the dishwasher or feed the dogs or put your underwear on while standing.
  • You perve the prams that the DILFs are pushing instead of the actual DILFs.
  • You suddenly don’t think that being given seats on the bus or being allowed to go to the front of a queue is sexist/patronising and actually start hoping it happens to you because you’re not sure how much longer you’ll be able to keep standing.
  • You dream about your newborn baby (and it turns into a nightmare when she’s the ugliest thing you’ve ever seen, with a mouth full of skew teeth, only one eye, and sticky-out ears)
  • You see photos of yourself with your hands resting on your belly and think, ‘God, who is that really-very-pregnant person at my birthday party?!’
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